9PEK9BO

"Lampar la-lu, referee!”

2010-07-20T02:41:00.012+08:00

It’s all over! No more starting the day bleary eyed. No more shattering the peaceful silence, waking myself (and the neighbors too, I think ) with my alarm clock just for those crazy morning world cup matches. Life is back to normal! (errm…how normal can an eccentric guy be after all?)

Like it has always been and without which the games would be monotonously boring, World Cup 2010 had it's fair share of controversies. We still have 'blur-sotong' referees sending off the wrong players and disallowing legitimate goals…such as that England's goal which had Jboy in stitches when I blurted out, "Lampar la-lu, referee!”(translated to mean-Balls to you!). He accused me of being vulgar but I told him I was just referring to Frank Lampard, the player who shot that goal the referee denied! hehehe!

(Maybe this was what that Uruguay referee saw....

an African geometric design goal line. hehehe!)

Germany has Paul, I have Jboy who's equally color blind.....

While the world looks upon Paul, the psychic German octopus to predict the outcome of the games, I actually found my own strange way of some kind of premonition of the games too.

Over a few matches, I noticed that whenever Jboy leaves his seat to go to the kitchen to make a drink or to the washroom to ease, surely our favorite team for that game will score a goal! Believe me, I swear to ~~DIE~~ err..I mean DYE (my hair) if it did not actually happened 4 out of 5 times!

He said it was just coincidence and I told him that he can consider himself lucky that dad's not a gambler and not betting on the games. Otherwise, limpek will surely lock him up in the toilet for the duration of the game whenever my favored team plays! hahaha!

KTK durians.. anyone?

On the day after the final, some friends told me they were going to Balik Pulau for KTK durians to celebrate Spain winning the cup. I asked, "Why KTK? What's so special?.

They said, "Aiyo, loo ngmm chye ar? Named after KTK because like him, these durians BO HOOD (seedless) one la..best!" LOL! [*Ask any Penangite if you dunno who's KTK :)]

If you are dreaming and yearning like me for the day our national team qualifies to play in the World Cup… let’s keep it in our prayers and not deny ourselves this fervent hope. After all, nothing is impossible as long as we take positive steps to make changes for the desired results.

These thoughts somehow prompted me to make this VOTER REGISTRATION poster on one of those early mornings while waiting for the game to start.

Nothing bias intended, just a reminder for folks to register as a voter to make your voice heard and your choice count!

While we wait for that to happen, let’s have a good laugh with this football joke ….

The Football Training Joke.

Impressed by the Spaniards' performance in the World Cup 2010, the BODOHLAND Football Team official phones Spain Coach Vicente Del Bosqueto to find out what training methods they could use to produce a champion national team.

"Dustbins" says Vicente Del Bosqueto, "Position dustbins around the training pitch and get your players to pass the ball between them, dribble round them, chip the ball over them, shoot between them, it'll improve all round ball control".

“Errr…. Mr. Bosqueto, I don’t think we have such ‘special’ dustbins you are talking about here.” said the official.

“Okay, in that case I can send ours over to you since we don't need them now that we are champs. ”

A week later, Vicente Del Bosqueto's phone rings…

"Mr.Bosqueto?”

“Yes. What’s the problem now? You haven’t received the dustbins I sent you?”

, “No..No.. We have, but errr…..
your Spanish dustbins are winning our team 3-1!

What do I do now?"

The Vuvuzela virus in me!

2010-07-07T01:57:00.014+08:00

I have all the symptoms of it! Dark circles, bloodshot eyes, headaches, lack of concentration and dozing away in the afternoons. Yessir! I’m infected with the World Cup fever….again!

I've caught this strange illness that comes around every four years and like many millions in this eastern part of the globe, I have been staying up late, depriving myself the much needed sleep just to watch 20 sohais running up and down my TV screen chasing and fighting for a tiny speck of a ball while 2 even more sohai fellas do nothing but wait at both ends for that ball!

During such football frenzy period everything in my life has to freeze as nothing to me is more important than enjoying the world cup games even at odd hours!

In fact, this is the time limpek just don’t ‘hew-lan’ f@rking care whether our Bolehland is going bankrupt in 2019 or going to end with the rest of the world in 2012, much less bothered with what name our numero uno 'friend' is giving his pussy! (Aiya, most people call their pussy Ceebai la...so if you asked me, I would call her 1Ceebai and be done with it so that I can get on with something more important …the world Cup 2010! )

Just for now, nothing is more satisfying to me than munching crispy ‘eoh-char koays’ dipped in hot aromatic 'Kopi-Or kau kau’ (thick black coffee) while I watch my favorite 'or-len' Holland team send Uruguay to 'Hor Lan' like they did with those Samba kakis the other day!(Achtung! My other favorite is of course..Germany!.. )
(delirious joy becoming a Dutch for day and German for another..hahaha!)

Yea I know.. this may sound crazy or even total madness to those of you who are not hooked and I don’t think it is possible to explain what is in it that drives millions like me into this frenzy.

Talking about football madness, I found out nothing can be more crazy and hilarious than inviting a seventy plus old lady to join me a watching world cup match. That was exactly what I did when I was just a lad who thought it was a good idea to get our 72 years old family ‘ma-chneah’ nanny /godmother to accompany me watching the games in the wee hours of the morning.

“Why are those people running all over the field?” she asked.

I said, "They are fighting to get the ball.”

“Why? They don’t have money to buy everyone a ball?”

I said, "It’s just a game la”

…and she went, "Ayo! What a stupid game! Isn’t it easier to grab the ball with their hands instead of legs and run home with it if they want the ball?”

After a while she remarked to correct me, "I think you are wrong la, nobody wants the ball. Everyone seems to be kicking the ball away to others la! Even that two smarter guys who know how to grab the ball with their hands also threw it back to them.. see?”

“Maybe it has dog’s pooh on it” I joked and spun to go along with her naïve perception.

I then made one of the greatest mistake in my life that morning, trying to explain to her what a football game is and what the FIFA rules say and almost died bursting my lungs laughing when she kept asking, "Who the heck is this 'Fei Fah'…that fat aunty Fei Ma’s sister ..issit?”

Thank God I survived the many years of madness and live till today to enjoy another round of football phenomenon or madness as you may want to call it….

Another CANDLE Added!

2010-06-18T08:22:00.009+08:00

I always have mixed feelings on my Birthdays. While on one hand the only thing I thought I ever wanted on that day was NOT to be reminded of it but yet when those birthday wishes arrived, it slowly lifted my spirit as I realized I am not forgotten and not in oblivion as I always thought I should be at this stage of my life. Oh gosh! Is nice to know that there are still people out there who cares that it was my special day!

With new revolutionized communication tools such as internet MSN, emails, Facebook and SMS we have these days, there wasn’t any way I could escape the thought of getting another year older even if I wanted to as birthday wishes from near and afar, from the old and young, from acquaintances to closed ones, started pouring in 2 days ahead…

(Wei niamah!! You buggers are so happy that limpek gets older ..izzit? Besides, why only wished limpek just a Happy birthday? What about the rest of my 206 days for this year?)

Son #1, Jboy asked, “Lou-tau, Wanna have a little ‘family only’ cake-cutting-sing-song celebration or not? “

Before I could answer, Son# 2, Charles took that opportunity to start another of our father-son wisecracking bout …. "Birthdays are good for you, you know? Statistics show that the people who have the most live the longest!”

That started it! I put on an emotive look to plot my return ball for this witty wise-cracker and said, “Aiya! What’s so good about birthdays when you start suffering from the 3 illnesses of aging?”

“What 3 illnesses?” they asked.

“Losing my memory is one…..the other two, err errrr…I’ve forgotten already la…see?” hahahaha!

At dinner that night, a very touching scene from across my table caught my attention. There were only three persons at that table. Two men in their fifties, both seated closely by the sides of an old lady on wheel chair.

The two men, who appeared to be the sons of that old lady, were hardly touching their own bowls of rice as they preoccupied themselves attentively caring and feeding their white haired mum.

As she took her time to chew the food, the men would smile and speak softly into her ears even though she hardly seemed responsive to their tender words.

I told sons to watch and learn something from there…

“ Haizzz… if only you two can treat me like that if ever I get wheel-chaired in the future…How nice! Die also with eyes properly shut la”, I sighed.

“Lu khee-si ka-ho la! (It’s better you go and die!)”, Jboy bluntly retorted but quickly added, “Err.. lou-tau, I mean.. I don’t want to see you suffer like this….”

Charles looked at his brother and said, “Easy nia maaa!.. We just ‘accidentally’ give a push to his wheelchair at the top of the stairs, kow tim lor! End of your worries! hehehehe!”

Niasing! What unforgiven sins have I committed to deserve this guy?

Robert's LAUsy Sunday!

2010-05-20T11:42:00.026+08:00

“Gandhi-lauboh!” No no, I wasn’t calling out for Gandhi’s mom. It was just one of those swearing Sundays I woke up to… gandhi-lauboh-ing every time I read about how our tax monies were being used to fish for votes in another By Buy-Election!

Honestly, I have no qualms about politicians pledging our tax monies for flood mitigation projects or assisting some schools but do we always have to wait for some elected YB reps to get ‘tapao-ed’ and really gone YB (yonder below) first before such financial aid comes around to these deserving needy situations?

The night before, I went to bed feeling disgusted and as sore as Saifool’s ass when I read that even the churches were not spared in their last minute Buy-election shopping spree!

By dangling a RM1.7 million carrot in grants, what were they expecting my 'Yeh-Soh hengdais’ (brothers in Christ) in Sibu, Sarawak do on polling day? Vote against their conscience and integrity because Santa in ~~Wonder~~Bolehland promised them goodies if they be 'good’?

If you asked me, for insulting the integrity of my religion, my revulsive reaction would have made me do otherwise and also mark the ballot paper in this manner (see pic below) as a hint of my unhappiness...

....hmmm that would have made the ballot counting process that night a little more religious when counting agents start exclaiming “OMG! Jesus Christ!"… hahahaha!( Just kidding nia...I would not want to risk my ballot getting rejected for putting anything else other than an 'X' on it...LOL!)

Having uncomfortably placed in such an awkward position with the integrity of the church at stake, I would not be surprised if the sermon on that Sunday polling morning went funny like this …

"Folks, the subject of my sermon this morning is on Christian integrity and honesty.

How many of you here this morning have read the 69th Chapter of Mathew?"

and when hands in the congregation were raised....

"You are just the folks I want to preach to before you go to the polling station today,"

"There ain`t no 69th Chapter of Mathew!."

Anyway, right from the very second I jumped out of bed I got my eyes practically 'glued' to my monitor following the polling day events from Anilnetto.com live.

For me, it was far more exciting than watching the Thomas Cup live telecast games and God must have heard my silent prayer masked beneath all my 'gandhi-lauboh' cursings..it was indeed Robert's LAUsy Sunday... he lost and WE WON!

Exodus 23:8
And you shall take no bribe, for a bribe blinds the clear-sighted
and subverts the cause of those who are in the right.

Happy "Niamah' Day!

2010-05-09T02:08:00.016+08:00

Oh no! I didn’t die of starvation living on just salads and neither was I sick nor losing interest in this blog. On the contrary, the reason for my inconsistency in 9pek9bo-ing here lately is all because I 'got rejuvenated' and have been kept busy, catching up with so many things in life that I was missing.

And no, I didn't get to be like that guy in the movie 17 again, but I did get back enough energy and spirit to rediscover the enthusiasm in life once again and even managed to drag my old butt out of the four walls of my abode more frequently.. Have been checking out all the activities I have been missing one by one...I am all fired up! Get ready world, here comes the Mambo-9pek9bo ! (errr...I mean as soon as I find my Latin ballroom shoes...lol!)

I even started and done a few weekly postings on this new web log I created for the DAP Air Itam Community here- www.airitamdap.blogspot.com

As I look back now, I bless the day I gave up and handed all my worries and woes to my YEH_SO kor. When I said I had to ‘LET GO’ and LET GOD’, I really did just that! Now, except for my slightly wrong size pants which tends to fall off because of my slimmer shape (ahem!), most things in my life are slowly falling back to place! Amen!

In fact, successfully shedding 6 kg of unwanted stubborn fats has brought me so much joy that I feel like throwing a kenduri feast to celebrate! But then again, doesn’t that idea of fattening my friends with a feast to celebrate my success in losing weight seem greatly evil on my part? That would be advocating the selfish thought of not only must I succeed, but others must fail, isn't it? hahaha!

Anyway, It's Mother’s Day…so here is wishing all those wonderful loving mothers, a very HAPPY MOTHER’S DAY!

Though sadly, I do not have my mom here anymore to celebrate this special day.. but what I’ll be doing tomorrow will be something that she would be happy to know from wherever she is now because it was through her coaxing and suggestion that I started volunteering my service and became a 'Rocketeer' almost 30 years ago!

Come tomorrow, I will be joining my comrades once again just like in the past few weeks…

volunteering our service in the streets...........

at the night market ........

......and yo! at the mall too, as volunteers for the JOM DAFTAR UNDI drive!......Urging and getting those young eligible Malaysian citizens to register as voters so that they can collectively make this country a better place for everyone!

So guys, if you are 21 and above, Malaysian citizen and have yet to register... Don't miss this opportunity to register to make your voice counts. Let's kickass through the ballot box!
(err...believe me, they don't count how many kanninehs, niamahs and diuniasengs you can muster, but just the ballot votes on polling day!)

Reinventing myself!

2010-04-21T11:50:00.054+08:00

Jboy has been telling dad here to get out more often and enjoy the healthy sunshine instead of living a reclusive life and getting nowhere except into depression!

Niamah! Doesn’t he know that the sun in ‘Bolehland’ here doesn’t just shine? It practically burns, sears and scorches! So wtf is so healthy about getting his dad scorched out there huh? Come to think of it, who says we don't have a four seasons climate here? We actually have and they are called Hot, Blardy hot, Farking hot and Blardy farking HOT!

In response to his never-ending nagging that I should get back into shape and into that 'full-of-action and positively energized' dad I used to be ......

I went, “Wei! Does this slightly pot-belled fei-loh with a weaken left leg that needs to be massaged twice a week resembles anything close to that ex-catwalk model cum latin ballroom dancer dad you once had before?” hoping that he could at least say a soft “yes” before any ‘but’ follows in his reply. But niasing, all I got was “ errr,…err…” and lots of laughter...

Finally, sometime just after the Chinese New year, I relented and heeded his advice. He was right, I need to re-invent my life again! The first thing I knew I had to do was to improve on my physique, to reshape before it is too late.

It has not surprised me at all that the latest survey shows that 60% of Malaysians are either overweight or obese because the only thing I observed being 'Truly Malaysia' these days is seeing Malaysians morphing into the exact contour shape of the Malaysia peninsula! Truly 1 fat Malaysia indeed! hahaha!

It must be the power of vanity that drove me into doing something I thought I would never do ....I started changing my eating habits and stuck strictly to these 3 GOLDEN RULES of dieting like they were some missing commandments of God that Moses had missed!

No more EXCESSIVE CARBOHYDRATES which means
less rice, less noodles, less capati......
Okay, okay..I know this sounds suicidal to many of you..lol!

nor deep fried stuffs ..
no KFC, no goreng pisang. goreng ubi or goreng whatever...

and no more excessive intake of sugar...
Only now I know the meaning of 'chneah'
in the coffee-shop lingo..

Instead I started taking something I hated all my life...VEGES!

My lunch these days....
a colorful assortment of veges...and fruits too (Thai Mangoes are my favorite!)

.....with eggs and mackerel fish added for more protein.

While such diet is helping me to get back my shape externally, it is important that my body is fed with plenty of good essential nutrients. Otherwise, I will be just as good as a blardee recon old car...looking cool but the engine and parts inside are falling apart! So, I started on a *Nutritious drink and herbal program to replace my breakfast and sometimes my dinner as well....

The result? ... An amazing lost of 5 kgs in 7 weeks!.....
with the pot belly and the 'spare-tire' ring around my waist...finally GONE! Luckily I didn't throw away those pants I outgrew in the recent years because I knew all along that someday we will reunite like lovers often do...hahahahaha!

Even my face got slimmer and fats are disappearing from my neck too... lol!
Pic on left taken just before Chinese New Year at nephew Jeremy's wedding.
Pic on right taken last week while visiting the Sisters of the poor Home for the elderly.

Now my son keeps saying I look younger...so I told him maybe he should introduce me as his 'kor-kor'(brother) instead of ‘lou tau’(dad) when we meet his friends from now on..hahahahaha!

Xin Nian Dao le, so..Can I fook you?

2010-02-09T20:33:00.038+08:00

Xin Nian Dao le.....so, Can I f__k you?

errr…… I mean "The new year is here, so Can I fook you?”

Wait!…Hold your horses! Before you start accusing me of being hardcore vulgar and that I am offering my salacious proposal here, let me explain….

Actually, what I am trying to say is...
“Can I 福 you?” to ask whether I can wish you Good blessing or fortune.[ 祝福 -chok fook in Cantonese]

After all, it's Chinese New year, a time where we traditionally go happily ‘fook-ing’ one another..don't we? hahaha!

And for a bit of info on the Chinese 'ching-chong' tradition........

The Chinese character 福 (fook) means ‘Good Fortune’, 'Blessing' or ‘Happiness’ and sometimes this 福 symbol is invertedly hung or pasted as a decorative item since an upside down ‘fook’ read as FU DAO in Mandarin, sounds very similar to the words ‘FORTUNE arrived! So there you are, we Chinese have fun ‘fook-ing upside down’ everything in sight to bring good omen! hahaha!

Hanging or pasting the inverted 福'Fook' symbol everywhere...on containers, on the doors, on the walls...and Oops! someone must have pasted one on the butt of baby 'Small[sai]Foo' too..that would explain a lot of things these days! LOL!

The Story behind....
...... the Upside Down 'Fook' symbol I mean and not Small[sai] Foo's butt...ok?

The ‘Fook-ing upside down’ custom originated from this story which happened during the reign of emperor Zhu Yuan Zhang of the Ming dynasty (limpek mia 朱Zhu ancestor, if you need to know...lol!)

One day, to keep in touch with the outside world, Emperor Zhu masqueraded himself, hiding his royal identity he went about ‘kaypo-ing’ in the streets of his kingdom. (hmmm.. niaseng, I bet he was actually out there looking for the best Bak-kua, tee kueh or kueh kapek in town to celebrate CNY!.)

Anyway, back to the story…. the Emperor got very ‘toolan’ (exasperated) when he came upon a poster ridiculing his wife, the Empress! The enraged emperor Zhu ordered his ‘macai’ (soldiers) to investigate and to trace who were those ‘boh-kasi-hamkalings’ responsible for making a joke out of his wife, the Empress!

Before long the culprits were traced and their homes identified. The emperor ordered his macais to mark the culprits’ home by pasting a 福 ‘Fook’ symbol on their doors that night so that they could return to fry their asses the next day!

Upon hearing this, the kind, tolerant and forgiving Empress quickly went into action to save the very lives of those culprits who had angered her husband for ridiculing her. That night, she secretly sent her own ‘macais’ out to order every household to paste the 福 ‘Fook’ symbol on their doors too as to confuse the infuriated emperor and his soldiers when they come looking for asses to fry the next day..

As it happened, most of the villagers were 'sipek sorhai bo tak chek' (stupid illiterates).... in their hurry, they mistakenly pasted the 福 ‘Fook’ symbol upside down without even realizing it.

Emperor Zhu was confused and even more ‘toolan’ (enraged) when he saw the inverted 福 symbol the next day but before he could go, “Kannineh, limpek now so toolan .......” the Empress quickly said....... "Aiya, hubby lou-koong.... See la, the villagers are so happy knowing that their most loved emperor is coming, they even pasted the 福 ‘Fook’ symbol upside down to mean your visit is like the arrival of Good fortune and happiness to them!”

The Emperor was so ‘shiok-ed’ (delighted) with the explanation, he forgave the offenders. Asses saved and thus started this trend of ‘Fooking upside down’ to bring good omen during the celebration of the Chinese New Year.

End of story... Have a wonderful '福-ing' CHINESE NEW YEAR!

GONGXIFACAI!

Y? Y? Tell me Why!

2010-02-01T03:15:00.021+08:00

Back 9pek9bo-ing here again but….errrr…ermmm… wadda-efff was I planning to write just minutes ago? (scratching head......)

Sei lor! Am I having early signs of the Alzheimer’s disease or is it just a post depression thingy? No wonder my son always says “Lou tau, I think you nyanyuk (dementia) oledi laa!”..and when he said it again last night I was quick to hantam balik (shot back) "No la..I don't think so, I can still recall very well the incident last week at the pasar malam where your friend mistaken me for your brother leh!" hahahaha!

Niamah! Why is it so easy for me to forget the things I need to remember and yet so hard to forget the awful things that need to be forgotten?

Oh, fuck a duck! Here I go again… letting the PAST steal my PRESENT, wasting tears for griefs of yesterdays…..guess I better ‘duck the fuck’ instead and change my mental frequency here to think of something funny to post instead… (Well, they say 'Shared grief is half the sorrow, but when HAPPINESS is shared, it's DOUBLED!)

But really…. come to think of it, there are so many unanswerable 'whys' in life, with some so perplexingly funny too.

Recently a close friend called to tell me the great news that his wife is pregnant and I asked, “ Weiiii! Did you notice that her friends all came to rub her stomach as they congratulated her but kannineh, why none of them came to rub your d1cky and say ‘Well done’ or ‘Good job’ huh or even 'Good SHOT!' to be precise?”

Since I mentioned about that Alzheimer's disease …It’s baffling me why more money is now being spent on researching how to enlarge the size of ladies boobs and resurrecting men's dead dicks than on finding a cure for this horrible disease?

I have no complains about those B (Barely Boobs) cup size ladies going for breast implants …but I can’t understand why those already being gifted with a C (Can’t Complain) cup size risking their lives to have a heavy pair of F’s (Farking Fakes) (o)(o)?

Neither am I complaining about those impotent grandpas telling me that they are going to China to find err...some new found relatives, some ‘piao-meis’ (cousin sisters) with the help of ‘brother Wei’ (WEI KER a.k.a Viagra) but isn’t it more important that these impotent grandpas pay more attention to their hardened arteries and rising blood pressure instead of their hardened dickies and up-rising pleasures?

With ladies engrossed in enlarging boobs, men busy strengthening or lengthening their old flag poles and nobody interested in finding a cure for the Alzheimer's disease now, hmmmmm.... by the year 2040, won't we be seeing a lot of old nyanyuk (dementia) grandmas with BIG saggy boobs and old nyanyuk grandpas with huge erections, all absolutely having no recollection of what to do with them? … hahahaha!

But...the mother or all whys in my mind now which is kind of disturbing is ... Why I rather not tell you the title of this movie I gonna watch as soon as I finish posting this! Please don't ask me WHY..ok?

<<<< See for yourself,..how to tell you the title leh?

AhLian & AhHwei jokes

2010-01-15T11:01:00.009+08:00

_____________AH LIAN & 3 AhBENGS

Ah Lian is at a party and three hamsup ahbengs are like flies swarming around her flirtatiously.

Noticing that the ahbengs are ogling at her body.. she decides to have some fun with them. She proposes that if they give her RM5 each, she will show them her legs.

The humsap-chau Ahbengs, charmed by this young girl, each quickly gives her a five ringgit note. Ah Lian pulls up her dress a bit to show her legs.

Then she says, "If each of you ‘hensem’ will give me 10 ringgit, I'll show you my thighs,"

Those chau-ahbengs being what they are, all pull out a 10 ringgit note for her.

Ah Lian then pulls up her dress all the way to her undies making those ahbengs drooling like dogs.

Then Ah Lian says, "If you will give me 100 ringgit each, I will show you where I was operated on for appendicitis".

Naturally, without hesitation all three fork over the money.

Then Ah Lian turns to the window and points to a hospital in the distance and says, "There lor!"

_______________AH HWEI'S STUTTERING

Ah Lian accompanies Ah Hwei to meet up with her new found FB friend, Ah Beng.

Ah Hwei: I.. I…I.. vvvverry ssssked la…

Ah Lian: No nid to be sked one la..why chew so sked?

Ah Hwei: af-af-after ar-ar-ar-Ah Beng finds out I-I-I ss-ss-s.-stutter when I-I-I speak, how leh?

Ah Lian: AiYa! Ah Hwei, stutter nia ma.. people can understand what chew say one la, even my cat and my neighbor’s dog also stutter la..but they also understand each other.

Ah Hwei:How-how-how chew know?

Ah Lian: Whenever my cat is playing with the ball, that stupid dog will surely cross over to our porch and goes “Grrrr…grrrr grrr”,
..............but before he can finish saying “Grow up!” my cat will go “Ffffff, Fffffff, Ffffff”.

That stupid dog also understands and leaves before my cat can finish saying her “ffffF...CK OFF!”

____________AH HWEI & AH MAH

Ah Hwei comes downstairs after putting on her new ‘see-thru’ blouse and not wearing any bra to go to a party.

Ah Mah(grandmother) is enraged ….seeing red instead of Ah Hwei's pair of pink…….. , tells her NOT to go out exposing herself like that to all those chau- ahbengs at the party.

Ah Hwei tells her gram, “Ayo! ah mah, nowadays horrr…people not like your time or-ledi. These are modern times, and modern girls are proud to show off their pair of ‘pears’ to their friends one la.” and out she goes before Ah Mah can say anything.

The next morning, when Ah Hwei comes downstairs, grandma is sitting on her arm chair …topless.!

Ah Hwei: “OMG! Ah mah, what-chew doo-ing? How can you go half-naked in the living room like that? My friends are coming over soon…I’ll die if they see my grandma walking around half naked!”

Ah Mah: “Ayoh, Ah Mah orso wants to keep up with the modern times ma…. if your friends like to see your 'pears', I'm sure they'll love seeing Ah Mah's hanging PAPAYAS too.”

Little SorKow JOKES

2010-01-05T16:00:00.018+08:00

"Out of suffering comes creativity. You cannot spell painting without pain" (John Lithgow in Third Rock From the Sun)

______________________Little Sor Kow & Ah Mah.

9 year old Little Sor Kow ‘balik kampung’ and was staying with his Ah Mah (grandmother) for the school holidays.

He'd been playing outside with the other kids for a while when he came into the house and asked his grandma….

'Ah Mah, what's that called when two people sleep in the same room and one is on top of the other?'

Choi! She was a little taken aback, but thinking that since Little Sor Kow is from Khay-El city and before long he will probably learn it from someone else anyhow, she decided to tell him the truth.
"Errrr… It's called ‘SEX' la."

Little Sor Kow said, "Oh, ok" and went back outside to play with the other kampung kids outside.

A few minutes later he came back in and said angrily,

"Ah Mah, why you bluff me one?…
It is NOT called ‘SEX' la, It's called bunk beds!…..
and Ah Huat's mum said she wants to talk to you."

__________________________Little Sor Kow & little Sor KowKow

Little Sor Kow with his four year old bro, little Sor KowKow tagging along, went into the local store.. grabs a box of tampons from the shelf and carries it to the register counter to pay.

The cashier: These must be for your mommy..right?

Little Sor Kow: no la…

The cashier: for your sister ar?

Little Sor Kow: orso not for her la…

The cashier: If they're not for your mommy and not for your sister, who are they for?

Little Sor Kow: Errr…errr… they are for my 4 years old brother here.

The cashier: For your brother? OMG! Do you really know what are these?

Little Sor Kow: Well, yeah! They say on TV …. if you wear one of these you can swim and ride a bike with ease and comfort ….and my little brother here dunno how to swim or write bike yet.

_______________________'F' for maths!

Little Sor KowKow returns from school and says he got an F in arithmetic.

"Why lidat?" asks the father, Kowpek.

Little Sor KowKow: The teacher asked me, "How much is 2 x 3?" ....

and I said '6!'

Kowpek: "But that's right!"

Little Sor KowKow: Then she asked me, "How much is 3 x 2?"

Kowpek: DIUuuuuuuu! Isn't that the same? Kanineh!! Teacher Soooo stooopid one!

Little Sor KowKow: That's exactly what I said and she gave me an 'F' lor!

THINGs are to be USED, PEOPLE to be LOVED!

2010-01-04T04:20:00.008+08:00

Oops! I thought I was able to collect back my heart from God’s garage but it has to be recalled back again for other flaws …So there goes not only my heart but my funny bone as well again!

So, instead of some funny thingy you get to read here, I have chosen to share with you this wonderful story I've just read- (get your tissues ready..)

USE THINGS vs LOVE PEOPLE

While a man was washing and polishing his new car, his 4 yr old son picked up a stone and scratched lines on the side of the car.

In anger, the man took the child's hand and hit it many times without realizing he was using a wrench he was holding in his hand.

At the hospital, the child lost all his fingers due to multiple fractures.

When the child saw his father, with painful eyes he asked, “Dad when will my fingers grow back?”

The man was so hurt and speechless seeing what he has done, he went back to his car and kicked it a lot of times.

Devastated by his own actions...... sitting in front of that car he looked at the scratches; the child had actually written 'LOVE YOU DAD'.

The next day that man committed suicide. . .

The moral of this sad story is - THINGS are to be USED and PEOPLE are to be LOVED and NOT the other way round!

The problem in today's world is that people are used while things are loved! Jialat!

Have a nice day and stop looking silly using your comb to scratch while using your fingers to comb... OK? hahaha!

HAPPY NEW 2010!

2009-12-31T19:03:00.006+08:00

Dear friends & visitors,

Here are my sincere ‘9pek9bo’ New Year wishes... cracked my old 2009 brain thinking them out just for you!
Have a Happy New 2010 Year folks!

Wanna pee on your Christmas tree! (re-edited)

2009-12-29T20:51:00.019+08:00

"On the 5th day of Christmas,
my true love sent to me..
Five ..golden rings
Four calling Birds
Three French Hens,
Two turtle doves
And a Partridge in a pear tree.."

Today is the 5th day of Christmas…and I was listening to this song.. The 12 Days of Christmas.

Hmm.. I was thinking ..
What the heck do you want 5 golden rings when you only have 4 fingers and a thumb on each hand? Besides, I don’t think you wanna wear a thumb ring if you know that wearing a thumb ring indicates you are inviting buggering posterior pain! lol! (According to what I read in the Urban Dictionary...hahaha!)

Your true love has also given you four calling birds? Hmmm...four ‘calling birds’ and my mind started picturing four china-babes yakety-yaking on their hand phones asking," Xian xern, yau suang suang ma?" which then, shouldn't they be called four ‘calling chickens’ instead? (keo kay?) ...and what or who the eff are those three French hens given on the third day...huat kok kay? Lol!

Calling or not, French hens, turtle doves and partridge are all birds. Sorry for you dear, you really have one cuckoo for a true love! What does your true love want you to do with all these birds? Start a bird farm after Christmas?

Really if I have a true love that sends me nothing but birds for five consecutive days, I will surely flip the bird (point middle finger) to that bird brain, especially when I am in such foul mood these days!

It’s a dog life for me since……….two months back and I am so pissed that I feel like pissing on every Christmas tree I come across! Serious!

I needed to release some steam from this pressure cooker brain that has robbed me of my desire to open my eyes each morning as Christmas is no longer what it used to be.

So, I went even more cuckoo than your bird brain true love did, I wrote and sang my own obnoxious version of that song as a de-stress therapy to release those pent-up anger that was building up in me.

..and guess what, the 1st time I sang it on Christmas eve, the phone lines of my whole block went dead! There goes our internet access on Christmas Eve! My disappointed #1 son who was looking forward to play his online poker game, joined me in letting off steam that evening ...so we had our very own group de-stress therapy session, singing our 5 days of Christmas....

Pissed & Choi!

2009-12-28T03:50:00.003+08:00

Christmas Eve day started with my body declaring itself a holiday as well…I had never felt so decrepit and weak ever before! I told JBoy perhaps it was time that dad could really be ‘home’ for Christmas after all. He cut me short with a “CHOI!”

“You mean ‘JOY’?” I blathered on teasingly to which he returned with a very ‘toolan’ stare, feeling pissed …lol! There you are…. instead of ‘PEACE & JOY’, I gave son a ‘PISSED & CHOI’ Christmas Eve..Trust me for grating on people’s nerves. hohoho!

I really didn’t know what was happening to my body. All I knew was I was sapless on a day I needed strength to overcome the sadness still in me.

Yeh-Soh niamah! (err.. I mean Holy mother Mary!) I wasn’t asking for the same youthful energy of those wild Ah Beng revelers at Gurney Drive who could do 'WWF diving' from the top of a car on Christmas Eve, all I wanted was just enough ‘oomph’ for the usual evening walk which is the only thing I don’t feel guilty of enjoying these days …and I was denied even that! sighh!!!

Neither was I planning to go waste the good Christmas Eve evening intoxicating my already half-gone brain meaninglessly with some old fogies and end up singing the mabuk Jingle Bells song of…......... …

....limpek was just only looking forward to a quiet evening at home, minus the Christmas tree and all the decorations this year to rest this tired old soul and to contemplate on unresolved matters of the heart…

Finding comfort in this song....
God rest ye merry, gentlemen
Let nothing you dismay....................

Have a Merry LOL Christmas!

2009-12-23T06:08:00.014+08:00

Yea…CHRISTMAS is just around the corner and for the first time in my entire life I am missing all those wonderful feelings of Peace, Joy, Happiness and goodwill! Missing getting Santamental like everyone, exchanging hellos with strangers and good buys with friends...haizzzzz...

I have been singing ‘WHITE CHRISTMAS’ the whole year round and guess what, all I got is a ‘BLUE’ one instead! So much for that ‘Law of Attraction’ theory!

KNN! If only Santa could get me a shrinking gun, I would want to shrink all those smart-asses who profess this theory of the Law of Attraction and shaft their asses onto the pinnacles of Christmas trees like tree top angels! And, that Zig-zagging Ziglar guy should be too happy to really 'See You At The Top!' (Oops! Better forget it! Actually, I am one of these ardent believer too…lol!)

Shit! Even that therapeutic ‘Jingle Bells’ tune is no longer working it's magic on me anymore! This song which has a chorus line sounding like, “Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, jingle all the way. Oh, what fun it is to ride on errr… one whore’s opened legs!” had never failed to lift me ‘up’ since I was a kid, pun unintended. .lol!

Was also thinking of going to a beach and start screaming my lungs out in the quietness of the night to destress, but the fear that I may hear tsunami phantoms screaming back at me from the sea deterred me greatly.

So the next best thing I could do was to draw some cartoons and share some cheers here.

Have a very MERRY LOL CHRISTMAS!

BreakMe! Make Me!

2009-12-17T03:57:00.033+08:00

Finally watched the long awaited 2012 movie... For everyone, it's a good disaster movie... but to me, it was disastrously more than just that! There were some scenes that actually 'tsunami-ed' my emotions.

There was this particular scene pulling at the strings of my heart making me mushy and almost teary! (The old musician in the cruise ship who suddenly realized that life is too short to hold grudges, tried to call his estranged son ...but that unforgiving young man hesitated just for a second and…KABOOM! It was GAME OVER! Really Hum-ka-ling!) No, I didn’t need any tissues. … I just smoked myself dry! (ETA- Just heard from a nephew that his16 y.o. brother was sniffling watching this scene....found my soul mate in sensivity? LOL!)

Mid way through the movie, my thoughts wandered away...recalling I once asked someone how we should end the last seconds of our lives if 2012 is for real. The answer was, “Let’s all hug and wait for the final second.” ………and here’s where I learn the great painful lesson of NOTHING is PERMANENT in life as life itself is not even permanent!

Ya, life is a roller coaster with its UPS and DOWNS. But, the trouble is…I am now like totally thrown out of the ride and hitting hard on the ground! Any further down, they’ll have to give me a headstone and heap me a mound. The epitaph reading......

Its' nothing 'kiasu' or what ...but limpek don’t even have to join you ban-ban-tan (wait) till 2012, my world has already crashed on me!

So… like a tsunami victim trying to salvage whatever he can find, I’m now still trying to pick up the shattered pieces of my heart among the debris of my life strewn all over in the aftermath..sniffle...sniffle ..sniffle!

All I could do now is to find a comforting spot in that gaping hole which once housed my heart……. to endure the pain while the Good Lord tears me down piece by piece in his big plan to renovate my soul, changing my wounds into wisdom. A wiser man now but sadder one too...Can't I just be that happy witty fool?..haizzz!

HE has to BREAK me to MAKE me, I know… but why can’t my 'Yeh-Soh kor' plan a better time for all these? No more Christmases again for me? Ouchhh!

Okay, okay....That is as far as I could go sharing my woes because I suddenly remember that "Solitude" poem which says, “Laugh, and the world laughs with you; Cry, and you cry ALONE."

Keeping myself healthy and in shape everyday.....just in case I have to run like mad in 2012 ....lol!

Btw, Waterfall Garden is in the vicinity of many Indian temples ..need such colorful attire to blend into the crowd ma..

Another 'What Charlie Saw...' story

2009-09-16T01:42:00.033+08:00

Snuggling under the warm comfort of my blanket on that recent cold Merdeka morning, the last thing I would want to do then was to get up and watch some sohais shouting ‘Merdeka!’ on tv.

It’s not that I’m no longer patriotic anymore but strangely, I don’t know whether I am having hearing problems or what these days…or is it because the mysterious death of Teoh Beng Hock is still fresh and lingering in mind, but damn it, each time someone mentioned the word ‘Merdeka!’, it somehow sounded like “MURDER-ka?” to me!

After lazing in bed for a while, I decided to get out of the room to greet my son, Charlie who should be up and face-booking by then in the living room..but what greeted me as I stepped out of my room that morning almost made my heart stopped!

Right before me was this fully cloaked creepy figure squatting on Charlie’s chair and meddling with his laptop!

My mind went blank for a few seconds and the first thought that came upon me was that it was still the Chinese ‘hungry Ghost’ month and there.... right before my eyes in my living room was this horrendous ‘thing’!

Before I could finish exclaiming “Oh my f@%king gawd!” the hood came down and a familiar head popped out asking, “Choe mee yeah? (What’s up?)”

and continued with,“Walau! You look so scared la, dad. Thought you saw ghost issit? hehehe…..Where got ghost so clever, knows how to play Facebook on laptop one leh? kekeke!”

Niamah!..It was just my equally eccentric son,Charlie who was too lazy to put on a shirt, wrapping himself with a blanket instead on that extremely cold morning.

Apparently, Charlie must have forgotten that particular scary hair-raising incident we had when we were staying at the old terrace house some years ago. For history, those houses there were built on a plot of land which was part of the Chinese cemetery some 50 years ago!

We were watching a DVD movie in the living room one weekend and since it was already 2 am, we decided to continue the movie in my bedroom upstairs.

After our usual pre-bed personal hygienic routine were done, we turned off all the lights on the ground floor, leaving just a small green night light on in the living room and hurried up the stairs to my bedroom to continue watching the movie as planned.

Up in my bedroom, we realized that we had forgotten about the disc which was still in the player in the living room downstairs. Charlie volunteered to get the disc and hurried out of the room before I could say “Forget it, it’s already late”.

The next thing I heard was a loud but short “ARGGGHHH!” from outside my bedroom door! I then saw a terrified Charlie rushed back into the room and latching the door in panic!

I kept asking him, “What happened?” and each time I got the same murmuring answer….

“Nothing.. nothing.. err just nothing..forget it.” he kept insisting, failing miserably in his attempt to act like everything was fine even though he was looking terrified.

Trying his best to regain his composure and not wanting to worry me further he suggested we watch something else. This made me even more curious and upon my persistent questioning, he finally confided to me that he saw something spooky downstairs!….

He had caught a glimpse of someone or something sitting at my computer table which was just near the bottom of the stairs!

“Could it be a burglar?” I asked in a whisper while reaching out for my torch and the rattan stick I used to keep in the bedroom for security reason.

“No!...errrr…I.. I.. I dddon’t ttthink so, dad….It was clearly a pair of a young lady's legs I saw! I dared not even look up to see the rest of her!"

Isshhhh!! I felt goose bumps suddenly all over my arms as my mind started to picture what Charlie allegedly saw…

How could there be a 'lady’ sitting at my computer table in the dimly lighted living room downstairs at that strange wee hour of the morning?

I took a deep breath and said a very short but precise ‘Yeh Soh’ prayer before telling Charlie that we had to go downstairs to check things out.

I turned on all the lights available in my room and started moving around the room in heavy stumping steps on purpose, talking louder than usual and making as much noise as I could…hoping that, that ‘thing’ downstairs could get the impression that I still got my balls intact..(even though they could have been reduced to ‘kacang putih’ size! lol!)

Charlie stood close behind me with one hand on my shoulder as I opened the room door. I could see that he was all tensed up, probably thinking~ Gosh! What if that ‘thing’ had already climbed the stairs and was just outside waiting for us behind the room door?

I shone my torch immediately down the stairs and every corner of the living room that I could reach from the top of the stairs. For the first time, I realized that green color bulb is not a wise choice for a night-light. It was creepy and eerie!

Taking another deep breath to steady myself, I walked down the stairs with Charlie tailing behind me like we were a lion dance team... stumping our feet on the wooden planks hard to make thumping sounds as our final ‘warning’ to whatever or whoever who had intruded into our home that morning.

Thank God we found nothing unusual after checking every nook and corner on the ground floor and finally went to bed feeling more comfortably secured that night... errrr... with all the lights in the house left on of course!

We kept this incident to ourselves without telling Jboy, my elder son until we moved out of that old house years later.

Our Spooky Pasar Malam Trips.

2009-08-31T06:09:00.015+08:00

Charlie was riding pillion on our weekly trip to the nearby Pasar malam (night market) to get those ‘Rm5 for three’ cakes last Wednesday evening when …

Just before reaching the junction at the corner of our residential car-park area, he said, “Dad, don’t go that way, it’s better to turn left and take the other longer route.”

“Huh? The shortcut is too dark for your comfort… issit?”

“Hungry Ghost month maaa! Ma huan la! (problematic)”, he answered.

“Oh! Hungry Ghost month!… you scared the ‘hantu tektek (the big breast ghost)’ choke you with her gigantic bOObs because you always open your mouth and talk nonsense. ..issit?” I quipped.

Charlie: “I don’t mean that kind of ‘hungry ghosts’ la… You know la, dad… Those blue blue ones, whole day haven’t eaten throughout this month, hiding behind trees like ‘sip chaeng kwai’ with small notebook in hand, waiting to pounce on unsuspecting motorcyclist type la… Get what I mean?”

Me: “Ohhh! I see what you mean now. Those errr… pei-phei, moe-chih, ha-lau, chin-kak , chook sang pat yuee, choe kwai ngmm laeng, mah- kow-fun…KOPI-OR hungry ghosts…. hahaha!”

Charlie: “Ayo! What a mouthful of debasing Cantonese invectives you are spewing! Dad, with you around…I feel a lot safer because it won’t be me ‘hantu tektek’ should be targeting her boobs at after all.. hehehe!”

________ Fast forwarding to…….

On the ride back from the pasar malam, just as I turned left at the same junction mentioned earlier where the street lamp has not been working for sometime, I suddenly caught a glimpse of a girl standing alone in the dark corner on the grass besides the road, with a helmet in her hand like she was waiting for someone to give her a lift.

“OMG! Did you see that girl, Charlie?

Wattafark did she paint her face with? She looks like she’s wearing a white Japanese Kabuki mask …

Diu-niaseng! She scared the shit out of me pulak!”

Without wasting that good opportunity the ‘kwailan’ Charlie responded, “Where got? You are sure or nottttt? I didn’t see anyone wor…Die la you! You must have seen one of those real ‘cannot mention at night this month’ type oledee! kekeke!”

On hearing that, I felt a little uneasy even though I knew Charlie was teasing me because my mind was then wandering back to one particular spooky incident that happened at this same Wednesday pasar malam venue three years ago.....

....We were watching a Chinese medicine peddler about to perform some stunts to pull in the crowd at the far end of the field, near where a grave stood hidden by a mound of encircling hill, a little away from the brightly lit pasar malam stalls.

Just when the medicine peddler was about to get into his act after so much of ‘saliva spewing’ sales talk and his mambo jambo act to invite ‘his little friend’ (toyol?) to assist done, Charlie turned to me with a very disturbed look on his face and said, “Let’s getttt outtt of here fastttt!”

“Ayaa! What a spoilsport la..you!” “Wait la, watch a little more..Can ar?” I pleaded.

He kept on insisting to leave immediately and from his tone of voice and facial expression, I knew something was really wrong. Without any further questioning, I relented and we left the show.

As I reluctantly walked away from the crowd, Charlie kept warning me in very troubled tone, “Dad! Don’t look back! Don’t look back!”

From the fear and urgency I saw in him, I guessed he must have just seen ‘something’ others are unable to, an uncanny ability he has since he was a kid, which can be sometimes extremely freaking scary even for an adult like me when you get to hear what he sees!

Only much later when he felt calmer and more relaxed back in the comfort of our home, he disclosed to me his preternatural sighting at the pasar malam that night….

He actually saw a young girl about 4 or 5 years old, with very pale whitish face and very dark eye-rings in some strange out-of the era clothes and shoes....staring at us from across the opposite side of the crowd!!!!!!

Our children’s ‘LAUGH DIE ME’ Ingrish!

2009-08-24T00:05:00.011+08:00

In one of those ‘sembang-kupsiao’ sessions we had whenever the workload eases in between hectic work schedules in our office, we started ranting on the deteriorated standard of the English language these days.

Apparently, students these days are confused with the phonetics of English language with that of the Bahasa Malaysia. We had so much laughter that day, sharing our personal hilarious encounters with our children's ‘laugh die people’ mispronounced English words.

It all started when I told them how my #1 son used to say POWS instead of PAUSE and whenever he requested me to 'POWS' the movie we were watching on DVD, that cheeky #2 son (would be quick to respond on my behalf wittingly, “No need la.. We can RE-WEEN (Rewind) back for you easily maa…hehehe!”

James then told us how he once overheard his son’s conversation with his classmate, weaving around on how to SER TOOP a particular program. He caught no balls on what the kids meant by SER TOOP but not wanting to risk being labeled as backward in IT or a 'kaypo-apek' he didn’t ask them for clarification. It only dawned on him much later that they were discussing on how to SETUP the program!

Fizul then told us that his 10 years old son once hurried him to quickly finish his bath, knocking on the bathroom door saying “Pa, cepat mandi! Astro TV is showing OON CHOOT edition of FRIDAY the 13th movie!”

“What OON CHOOT?”

“ OON CHOOT lah… U…., N…, C…, U…, T.. Oon choot!”

Another friend told us that his 7years old son ordered CHOCHA~CHOLA at the kopitiam and the confused apek said, "Ta lak!" (should have recommended him 7-OOP (7up) la instead and a plate of Chicken CHOOT-LET (cutlet) too... hahaha!)

The most humorous "LAUGH DIE ME' Ingrish contribution that day came from Puan Khairiah who told us what she heard her daughter said when her path was blocked by her siblings...

She heard the young lass asked, “Can I PASS A WAY?” (she wanna pass away?….. lol!)

I must say thanks to those smart asses who decided to abandon the English language as the teaching medium in our education system … the 'Ingrish' language is getting funnier by the day and I'm having so much fun abetting in the corruption and murder of this beautiful language! Really 'laugh-die-me' la!!!

Sandwiched, perspiring but glad I was there!

2009-07-22T15:15:00.028+08:00

Was about to update last week when suddenly the news of TBH’s mysterious death broke. Sigh... was too overwhelmingly saddened to be in the mood to share some laughter in this blog as intended. (If by now, you‘re still not familiar with the name Teoh Beng Hock… I suggest you google it.. or better still, go fly out from some 14th floor window and get to meet and know him personally! Oops! sorry to sound so mean..cos' I'm in very toolan mood la! *so 2lan until I spelled the word 'sandwiched' as 'sandwitched' in this post without realising until a day after !)

Anyway, just before I left for the ‘Justice for TBH’ solidarity gathering yesterday I commented on Lilian’s 5Xmom blog….teasingly volunteering to be her ‘tripod assistant’ in her task as a CITIZEN JOURNALIST there at Wisma Penyayang…

I hurriedly left home for the venue without realizing she had replied, suggesting that I take some close-up shots of people’s facial expressions there last night…

Alas, by the time I got to read her suggestion, way too late at 5am this morning, (after a good night rest of my aching body and feet. Stood 3 and half hours throughout the forum weii!....) all I found in my camera were something like these below….

errrr.......shots mostly showing the back of people's ~~kelapa~~ kepala!

........ so I replied her.

Diu! Angry or sad facial expression shots tak lak la..... but plenty of these back shots showing ..errrrr... people losing hair over the sad incident perhaps! (Toolan until 'Loot Mor' la!)
...............

and legs-shots .... that don't tell much.....But, sadly that was the only other option of view I had there while sardined right at the back of the crowded hall!

See my heavy PAKALOLO boots that I always wear to crowded events for fear of being stepped on? This is what they called 'Batu' shoes ..as heavy as rocks...hahaha!

and more legs here....

........and what about this 'shoulders' shot? Can see the anger and sadness of those people there or not? No?

Fortunately, when the forum ended I went forward to the front and took some shots of our super lady Citizen Journalist, Lilian in the media crowd ...interviewing, recording. cam and video shooting our CM..

Well..I don't have any close-up angry facial expression shots to show here.... but the very fact that thousands of Penangites were there, cramped and sweltering in solidarity speaks aloud their anger as well as their care and concern.

Pics showing the rest of the crowd who could not get into the hall, watching live broadcast projector screen at the foyer downstairs...

The Love Letter

2009-07-03T17:00:00.016+08:00

Dearest,

I shall seek and find you.

I shall take you to bed and control you.

I will make you ache, shake and sweat until you grunt and groan.

I will make you beg for mercy.

I will exhaust you to the point that you will be relieved when I leave you.

And you will be weak for days.

All my love,

Soo Whyne, The flu.

Just in case, you are still sotong-blur, not knowing the differences between a FLU, Allergy, Cold and Sinusitis... here's a chart to refer to~

AhKowKia's new neighbor

2009-06-23T19:10:00.010+08:00

AhKowKia after having had enough of the noisy city life, moves to the peaceful and quiet remote countryside. His new neighbor, SaiFoo, the farmer pays him a visit and invites him to a party that night.

SaiFoo: Braader, you sure you can drink or not? There’s going to be a lot of ‘yamseng’ there one..you know.

AhKowKia: Don’t worry La… I used to go pub gallivanting a lot in the city with my colleagues after work..

SaiFoo: Orso have to warn you.. After so much drinking, things can go rough and sometimes there may be fighting too.

AhKowKia: Don’t worry, I’m the non-violent, non-lansi friendly type.. I don’t normally offend people and can get along with anyone easily la.

SaiFoo: Okay, good! ….don’t say I didn’t warn you…usually party ends up so wild …..got a lot of SEX too.

AhKowKia: Wow! It’s fine with me. By the way, what should I wear? I haven't actually unpack my clothes yet.. tee shirt can ar?

SaiFoo: It doesn’t matter la! Wear anything orso nevermind .. It’s going to be Just the two of us only jer maaa....

AhKowKia: harrrrr???? (faints..)

Fable 2009 -In Fear of Porky's sneeze!

2009-06-21T13:36:00.011+08:00

The animal Kingdom is looking for the most feared leader to rule as the new King of the Jungle 2009….

An elephant, a lion and a pig are contending for the post.

Lion: Look here kawan kawan, for centuries it has always been written - Lion, the King of the jungle!. Lion is king and king is Lion… and nothing else because when a lion like me roars, the whole jungle freezes in fear!

Elephant: Pooordah dei! When you roar yev'ryone freezes only, but when I trumpet, yev'ryone in the jungle has to make way for me laa! Scared or not... huh?

Pig: Cheh!!! Like that only mehhhh? I never bluff you one…I just need to sneeze and cough lightly nia, not only the jungle kingdom but the whole planet has to live in fear oledi!

Blending in with an 'ANYTHING ORSO CAN' Tee

2009-06-03T18:40:00.017+08:00

As I look at the bursting wardrobe drawers cramped with all sorts of colorful Tee-shirts now, my mind wanders back to those ‘emergency mornings’ of Charles’s secondary schooldays, when he had to rush like a Bomba engine ...and also screaming like one, looking for a particular T-shirt for a particular activity in school that day.

It was either “Chamm liao la! Where‘s my WUSHU Tee?” or “My Editorial Board Tee hai peen toh leh?” or “Sei Lor..can’t find my House color-Tee laa!!” depending on which day of the week but all the same, this slugabed-dad had to cut short sleep to help search for that particular elusive T-shirt he needed to survive another day in school!

Ya..I know, I know.. It’s cool to wear a Slogan Tee-shirt these days that practically screams aloud your stand and beliefs or identify your association with certain clubs or a particular group of people sharing a common cause. But come to think of it, do we really need to spend so much dough unnecessarily on all sorts of loud slogan Tees that sometimes make us look like a ‘walking Advert’ or even a ‘walking billboard’? (that's when your body goes 'panoramic' in shape!)

Niamah! Can’t we make life less complicated and easier to go by with just a ‘generic’ Tee that can be worn for all activities? One that can make us blend into or associate with, any group on any occasion, anytime, any day and anywhere. (same reason why I only buy totally black or totally white plain socks to avoid going nuts looking for the missing matching socks.. Smart leh? hehehe!)

Perhaps, something like this “I’M WITH THEM” Tee-shirt should just do the trick....

It does not matter whether the crowd is wearing “I’m with.. errrrr RPK, ...PKR, ...KPR (Kay Po Residents?) or some saintly “Wholly Holy’ church group Tee. With this generic 'all occasions' tee, one can easily blend in instantly just for a good cam-whoring session with your camera-phone like this!.....

Same goes with those ‘anti-whatever’ candlelight vigils… you may want to snap a good pic just so that some day your grandchildren actually believe grandpa was so ‘geng’ once!

But then again you may need to be discreet and prudent with your choice of association … the question of whether “Ada permit” or “Talak Permit mia, 123 Tangkap!” gathering.. Otherwise, someday when your grandchildren look at that pic of you getting invited for 'free stay and breakfast' by some 'too affectionately embracing' fellow countrymen in blue, they'll go, “SWEAT-LAH!! Grandpa YOU!...WITH THEM some more!”

The untold truths of Tales and stories (cartoons)

2009-06-01T22:51:00.017+08:00

Maybe I was a little more curios and imaginative than my peers back then as a kid ..and somehow I always thought adults, especially my primary school teachers were not telling the truths or at least not telling us all of the whole story.. including the real ending to the tales and stories.

THE TABLETS

For instance, I was always wondering and asking my Sunday schoolteacher why Moses were given two tablets instead of just one?

Why couldn't the commandments be written on the both sides of one tablet like we do with the pages of our exercise book? ... or, was there anything else already written at the back of the tablets that they didn't tell us? (* Just typical of an inquisitive mind of a very blur-sotong kid back then..)

.... Maybe something like this?

Hmmm... that probably explains a lot about the mess the world is in these days! LOL!

ROBIN's MERRYMEN

As for the legend of ROBIN HOOD and his MERRYMEN.. Armed with only the experience of robbing and probably merrymaking in the forest, I was wondering what did they do for a living when ROBIN HOOD finally disbanded his Sherwood gang? Did they continue robbing people on their own or started some business?

Like ....Friar Tuck operating a Tuckshop?

or Little John running a Little John (Children's toilet) Accessories Shop?

RAPUNZEL

and that story of the pretty fraulien who was imprisoned in a tower with no stairs by a witch just because her 'thum-chiak(greedy)' parents were caught stealing the witch's vegetables, Rapunzel...

I think just having the password, "Rapunzel, Rapunzel, let down your hair, so that I may climb the golden stair" alone was not exactly secure and safe for a home-alone girl..

Being a smart girl, she probably would have braided one side of her hair for her good looking boyflen prince to climb and left the other half unkempt and unwashed for those unwelcome '5354' gate-crashers! hahahaha!

Story of the Small Town Debts

2009-05-21T15:00:00.025+08:00

Sometimes, a simple solution is all we need for what appears to be a complicated problem..

Here’s an interesting story I chanced upon on how puzzlingly simple it was to solve what appeared to be a complicated economic woe of a community in a small town, when all the debts in the system were cleared by just an ‘accidental temporary loan’ that came by…

Here’s the story…..

There is not much business happening in this little town as recession takes toll and everyone seems to be in debt.
The hotel owner owes the butcher for the meat,
the butcher owes the farmer for the pigs,
the farmer in turn owes the local prostitute for the 'heat'
and she completes the chain, owing the hotel owner for the room she needs.

Then one day, completely out of a clear blue sky, a very 'lansi-lanyong' tourist arrives in the foyer of the small local hotel. He asks for the best room and ‘lansi-ly’ puts a RM100 note on the reception counter as deposit, takes a key and goes to inspect the room located up the stairs on the third floor.

For fear of the meat supply being stopped because of his overdue payment,Woo koayTan-the hotel owner takes the hundred ringgit banknote and rushes over to the butcher shop opposite to pay Babee- his meat supplier to whom he owes RM100.

Babee- the butcher, upon receiving the money also quickly takes the money and races to the pig farm nearby to pay Too-Kopek-the farmer the RM100 he owed him for pigs he purchased some time ago.

Since New Year is coming soon and it’s bad luck to owe people money, Too-Kopek-the farmer takes the RM100 note to quickly pay Lucy Kay, a local prostitute who gave Too-Kopek her services on credit. (She usually won’t allow credit for her service but Too-Kopek always insist and says he cannot tahan cos’ his cum already at custom clearance checkpoint liao! ..but this is another story altogether..)

Upon receiving the RM100 , Lucy Kay-the prostitute goes quickly to the hotel and pays Woo koayTan-the hotel owner the RM100 she owed for her hourly room rentals used to entertain her ‘hamsap’ clients.

At that moment, that 'lansi-lanyong' tourist informs Woo koayTan-the hotel owner that the proposed room is unsatisfactory, takes back his RM100 before he departs. Story ends…and here’s where my head-scratching begins!

There was no profit or income as the Woo koayTan-the hotel owner did NOT eventually earned that RM100 from the unsatisfied lansi-lanyong customer but yet in that short time, with that RM100 banknote going around, everyone in that little town was able to pay off their debts! It is amazing how an accidental temporary loan (in this case, the hotel room deposit) cleared all the debts in the system!

There must be an explanation somewhere which I’m unable able to find yet. But...come to think of it, why should I need an answer or explanation?

…Let’s keep the story with it’s happy ending as it is! Aye sai Bo?

Getting delirious with kopi KAPUT-CHINO!

2009-05-14T16:44:00.015+08:00

In times like these, where what was once SILVER is turning BLACK and people are behaving disgracefully in the land supposedly ‘Abode with GRACE’, I found myself crossing over the extremely thin borderline into insanity once again, to start looking at things in laughable perspective…

Remembering that no matter how farked-up we get, we are in NO CONTROL of what others say or do. What we have is the total control of our own emotions and WE CAN wisely choose NOT to be REACTIVE and allow others to ruin our day. (Same goes to those reading my insane & inane 9pek9bo-ing blog here, which is nothing more than just Talkcock-ing of a ‘nothing to do’ old fler, not to be taken seriously!.LOL!)

I imagined myself intoxicating my mind with an imaginary highly caffeinated ~~cappuccino~~ KAPUTCHINO drink (Kaput=Destroyed, Done for & Chino= Spanish for Chinese) such as this Oldtown Aunty Equus Asinus KAPUTCHINO.. (guess what's Equus asinus?)

..hoping to get hallucinated enough to be able to see a harmful pepper spray as merely a harmless key chain/ pendrive and delirious enough to shamelessly commit the immoral sin of seeing myself in the like of great people such as Nelson Mandela, Mahatma Gandhi, M Luther King, Obama or even Mother Theresa!

What a shiok sendiri experience! Give this old fler, me a chance to enjoy my delirium, ok? I need to be crazy to keep my sanity! ??? (kind of brain piercing to keep up with my son's tongue and body piercings... )

Picking a peek of the Past..

2009-05-10T01:16:00.016+08:00

Looking through my files I found these abstracts I shot sometime last year with my little handy camera I sometimes do carry along wherever I go.

At times, simple ordinary things can appear fascinating and even philosophical stimulating to me when I gave them a little more attention than I normally do. (Errmm.. in simpler terms, it means those were actually boring moments in life that usually awakens the zzzz-ing artist in me..ahem ahem!)

It doesn’t really matter what my photography-enthusiast son, Charles opined and neither am I bothered about my handicap in the technical aspects … After all, I’m more of a photo-LAUGHER than photographer, laughing myself silly at my amateurish attempts in photography! :)

As I ponder over these images now I ‘m beginning to realize what a treasure they are to me. Each and every photo is like a doorway to a particular moment of my life, forever gone but always available in memories…..

1.THE LAST CRYSTAL DINOSAUR.

This was taken while waiting for my curry mee at the food court at the Rifle Range market, our ‘lau ti fang’ we sometimes go back to for breakfast. It’s nothing more than just my Kopi Or Peng in a green plastic cup

2.IN SEARCH OF DESTINY. This pic was taken on a wooden plank-bridge at Tan Jetty coincidentally on my birthday last year when I followed son, #2 and Adrian to meet up with Khan for a photo-shoot there. There was where we first met 'Khan Khan',a final year Art student from Equator.

While those three young pros were busy with their DSLRs capturing the evening scene, I took fancy to the very aged but strong wooden planks that I was standing on (above pic). …and wandered away in philosophical thoughts.... the freedom of that young piece of wood drifting freely in comparison with those hard solid and weathered old ones we were standing on.

3. BIRD IN CAGE-The office Copier got jammed and the stuck papers came out like black & white folding fans. Found it interesting when I threw them into the waste basket together with a brown envelope. With a little arrangement, I had an enjoyable 5 minutes breather from work!

4. HANGING AROUND-
Took this on a rainy night, all drenched while hanging around waiting for our take-away dinner (Fried Tang-hoon) on the way home from office at the stall we always frequent nearby .

5. SHADOW PLAY
Taken at my favorite haunt…the ‘smoking Area’ at the stairway outside my 4th floor office in Beach street.. where I used to puffed my
Winston ciggis away!

When YOUNG men see VISIONS & OLD men dream DREAMS

2009-04-30T19:39:00.024+08:00

Imagine the hilarious sight of a toothless seventy plus ahpek with his wrinkled face totally dolled-up in heavy feminine make-up and his dark skinny flat-chested body …dressed in a pink ballerina tutu! If his outrageous sight alone was not enough to make me LMAO, his amusing attempt to dance and twirl like a ballerina in his solo performance did just that!

That was one unforgettable odd but lovable character I met at the old folks’ home some 30 years ago. It was obvious that like many other inmates there, he was going through his second childhood and was thoroughly enjoying his twilight years as much as he could without being problematic to others, except for the stomach cramps we got from laughing at his antics.

Unfortunately, not all old chaps are that fun, lovable and harmless. Some can be very nasty, annoying, irritating, attention-seeking, trouble-makers as in the case of our ‘lau pu-se’ [老不死 ] toon lokter U-No-Hoo.

Niahseng! Like limpek haven’t had enough of his foul flatulence coming out of his wrong end all those twenty-over donkey years, like he hasn’t done enough damage just yet, this old devil ’toon lokter U-No-Hoo' is back hogging the media limelight all over again!

Thank God that I have long liberated myself from those TVtiga-suku and ‘Ah-ler-TM’ propagandistic news channels! If not, I guess I’ll be ranting and sending my regards to his mother so often that in the end I may have to rename my blog as ‘Kannilaubo’ instead of 9pek9bo!

Dunno why.... even with my abstinence from watching those TVtiga-suku and ‘Ah-ler-TM’ fairy tales for children’ news, limpek found myself having very weird recurring nightmares of my very old discarded TV set showing a zombie who looked like him, sounded like him but it’s not him singing............

“It's close to midnighttttt…
and something evil's lurking in the dark!
On your TV tonight,
you see a sight that almost stops your heart ................
Cause this is diuu-ler!! Thriller night!

After the singing ended, the scene changed and those dancing zombies began morphing themselves into Chinese Ching dynasty costumed hopping zombies just like those in Chinese Vampires comedy movies of the 80's!

Okay..don’t ask me why I could have such weird nightmares. I’m entitled to it just as much as you young punks are entitled to your MP4s, camera phones, i-pods and i-whatever with LCD screen because it has been said, “....YOUNG MEN SHALL SEE VISIONS, and YOUR OLD MEN SHALL DREAM DREAMS.”..( not truly meant in this manner though, just borrowed the phrase!)

Hahaha! It's just another day for ranting randomly and obnoxiously about an awful dream, nothing to be taken seriously .....
Have a nice ~~day~~ nightmare folks!

April Jokes- just for laughs

2009-04-26T10:00:00.009+08:00

WARNING!
This weblog may contain some profanities, smuts, expletives or whatever you want to call it as.....
If you are easily offended by vile & inappropriate languages and think that you'll surely end up burning in Hell because of it, Or, still a minor (underage, under-developed or 'Under-still not developed!') not understanding that the 4 LETTERS ‘F’ WORD that ends with a ‘K’ is NOT what you use together with a spoon, Please DO NOT CONTINUE!

Otherwise, proceed on and have a f*rking fun-time here.(Oops! I already warned ya..Didn't I?)

Towkeh-soh already had three unsuccessful marriages before. Her first husband was a wife-beater, the second an adulterer who finally ran away with that ‘chau char bor’ and the third was a total disappointment in bed!

So being smarter now, Towkeh-soh makes sure she includes certain requirements when she places an advert for a new life partner in the papers.

“Forty-something Rich divorced woman looking for new husband who will not beat her, run away from her and is good in bed” it said.

Two weeks later, while Towkeh-soh is enjoying her favorite TV show at home, she hears her doorbell rings. She opens the door and there is a guy with no arms or legs.

“Yes? Wat-chew want?” she asks.

“Hi, I’m Mr. Wan Long Dik, and I’m here about your advert in the papers.”

“You got meet my requirements meh?” Towkeh-soh asks.

“Well, I have no arms so cannot beat you lor, and I have no legs to run away from you, even if I want to orso cannot maa.” he replies.

“But how do I know you’re good in bed leh?” she asks.

Mr. Wan Long Dik, “Aiyo! Aboden, how do you think I rang the doorbell.. har?

Ah 9Pek: Oei! AhLek, you look worried today.. what’s the ploblem har?

AhLek: jialat liao la! .. my wife dunwan to “ahem-ahem” with me on Sunday orledi!

Ah 9Pek:: Why leh?

AhLek: because yesterday hor, her priest says SEX on the Sabbath is a sin because SEX is considered as WORK!

Ah 9Pek: Niamah, like dat orso can! What does a priest know about SEX Where got such thing one?

AhLek: They say SEX is production of lives…WORK maa and therefore not allowed on Sabbath Sunday lor.

Ah 9Pek: SEX is definitely play la.. Aiya! if your wife thinks it is WORK, then ask her to tell your young Indon maid to do for you lor!

AhLek: ya hor...WORK nia mahh hor?…hahahah!

B.E. Satu Lagi!!

2009-04-19T01:43:00.016+08:00

Before those PR supporters could finish with their “YAMMMMMSENG!” or even before Semi-TalakBulu and his long lost... one little, two little, three little .............. cousin in Perak could both finish cursing in their Kerling lingo on the outcome of the recent tri By-Elections (BE), another one is already looming near … right in my home state, Penang!

Okay..okay...For the benefit of those DOTAland alien korkor-chyes & those QQ KAWAiians mooi-moois who are still 'blur-blur' not knowing what’s going on beyond DOTAland and FRIENDSTERland: We just had NOT one, but THREE by-elections ALL AT ONE GO earlier this month to fill the vacant seats left by some YBs, who either had an early earthly departure or… probable fear of an early earthly departure! (you guess this one out yourself!)

In fact, within a short period of just a year since the Tsunami General Election, we already had five exciting BEs and gosh!...The score is PR leading BN by 4-1! Kanneh! Limpek's beginning to like By-Elections a lot! It’s so blardy addictive! Judging from the large turnout at the rallies I think BE is fast becoming the favorite pastime of Malaysians these days!

Never have I seen such huge multiracial crowds muhibah-ing since those ‘zaman Merzagua’ Malaysia Cup days, where we thronged into stadiums to cheer hysterically at goals even our rheumatoid grandmas could catch! How I missed them! (I mean those carnival-like truly united OneM’sia atmosphere, NOT those rheumatoid grandmas.. ok?)

Whether it was for the 'comradie' feelings or the carnival festive mood, By-election's activities these days are phenomenally pulling crowds by the thousands! It looked like fun, sounded like fun and ... niamah! sometimes it's so irresistibly fun that even our BIG BLUE BOYS are joining in to have fun with their 'water-shooting toys' and ~~LEGO~~ ROAD blocks too!

Thanks to the great gods ..err...Lord GODamnit & Lord GODblok, I managed to keep myself updated about all the 'fun' in the net despite my STREAMYX broadband connection was (and still fcukingly is) weak throughout the entire run-up period and on Polling day on April 7!
Broadband huh? I think the situation here is more like a band of broads waiting in line for a Viagra-starved dead old cock instead! Jialat!

As it was, just like all other elections we had before, we never seem to be running short of those funny ‘out-of-circus employment’ clowns and the recent tri by-elections were no exception. If not for these phor-litiician dudes who brought me so much laughter, I guess I would have died suffering from BDS (Bandwidth deficiency syndrome) brought about by my slow-cumming STREAMYX!

How could I not laugh, reading about some ‘bey kian siao’ election candidate proclaiming to be the Obama of M’sia when the only similarity limpek could see was the just the dark skin? kekekeke!

Then, there was this 'niamah! nama-limpek tak-kenal' misinformed minister claiming that watching micro-mini skirted sexy ching-chong girls gyrating their butts on stage at election-rally dinners is no big deal but just a Chinese culture? Betul ke?

Maybe someone should misinform this misinformed minister with a ‘mini-stirring in his pants' again..that “Tiger-Show’ can be also Chinese culture ...hor? so why not have one for the coming BE leh? Can ar? Pleeeeeazzzee la! Just go and tell your new NUMERO UNO ‘ah hiah’ it is "cheep cheep MAI PAENG MAK" nia mah!

CONFUSION of the KONGFU KID

2009-04-06T07:51:00.026+08:00

Having a Hongkie ‘mah cheh’ as my nanny for the first five years of my life, it was natural that I spoke nothing else but Cantonese (aka Kongfu or Kwongtung) back then as a kid. That, of course wasn’t a problem to me until I was big enough to wander out of my home and found the first SURPRISE of my life…… Niah-seng! The ‘whole world’ out there spoke Hokkien and a whole lot of other lingos that I could barely grasp!

So, learning multiple Chinese dialects all at the same time became the first survival test for this freshie of the neighborhood kids. It was fun.. but for my case, it was more like disastrously funny when I got the different dialects mixed up, causing confusions and wild twisted imaginations.

For instance, how was I to know that by TUA LIAP LANGs (literally translated as Big balls People) in the Hokkien dialect merely meant VIPs who were more often than not, local ~~politicians~~ phorliticians and NOT as I imagined and feared …people with monstrous growth in the ‘ballroom’ space of their pants looking like these? ..

These la! Truly Tua liap Langs we hormat.... not that talak bulu mia Samy Blu!

....and as if that was not enough to freak and fry my little brain, I had to muster enough guts to convince myself that those nyonya kuih 'LAMPAR UDANGs’ were (and still are) nothing more than just prawn dumplings with no testicles of any animal or prawns sacrificed in the preparation! Phew!

Lampar Udang- unwrapped and found it was not even 'ball-ish' in shape!

Even my own mother tongue was not spared of confusion. I once told my friends that my mum would ‘fark’ me with her cane if I were late… they went “huh?” apparently not knowing that ‘fark’ means ‘to beat/flog forcefully’ in my family’s Thoi-San Cantonese dialect! (so guys, don't go "OMG! Charles's daddy uses the F word" again!)

That wasn’t the only disastrous incident that I had when I tried substituting Cantonese equivalent for Hokkien words I had yet to pick up at that early beginner’s stage. I didn’t know the Hokkien word for ‘FOLLOW’ and thought that it was okay and safe to replace it with the Cantonese word ‘KAN’. You can imagine the shock my young decent Hokkien neighbor had when I asked, “Gua eh sai KAN lu khee bo? (sounding like "Can I F@rk you off?" instead of the intended "Can I follow you?")

His suspicion of me as a foul mouth kid was again reiterated the following day while we were playing with plastercine modeling clay. I had wanted to warn him not to ‘Press and ruin’ my creation…so I told him ‘Lu mai KAM LAN har’! (in Cantonese, KAM=PRESS and LAN= RUIN)

Those were the happy days when I was just young lad with no fear of shame in making mistakes, always happily annoying the neighborhood with my singing “Lah-sa Sayang, Eh! Lah-sa Sayang sayang eh!”at a pitch they described as like ‘Hor Kooi Teh Tiok’ (victim of a ghost's squeeze!) - I bet my siblings would have done me away if murder was not already a legal crime back then for giving them such horrible torture that even the Japs would not use during WWII!

To that decent neighbor childhood friend who kept correcting me that it should be ‘Rasa Sayang’: You were wrong too! It’s RASUAH Sayang la! Don’t believe? Go ask any Perakians especially that HEE BYE whore!

Going Loco with the Lingo?

2009-03-22T16:05:00.012+08:00

Teachers going mad and crazy due to teaching subjects in English? For a second, I thought limpek’s old brain cells were giving up on me again, not registering correctly what I was reading.
Could it be actually ‘TEACHERS GOING BAD AND LAZY’ instead that I was misreading or they have misquoted? After all, how could anyone go loco learning a lingo?

Although the English language, as we all know is a crazy language with a grammar system of rules and principles that is even more complicated and scarier than my grandma, it is unlikely in my opinion, that it could have such a drastic effect on those teachers learning the language.

Instead, here’s what I suspect to be the possible cause of teachers going nutty actually….. the students' Ingrish!

If they don't go bonkers, they will probably be scratching their heads bald reading 'Ingrish no Kwailo can understand' such as this Ah Lian’s email to her cikgu-

Dear cikgu,

Last weak, my farder told me that the newspayper got say our teechers gone mad oledi becors they donno how to teech us Signs and Mads in Ingrish. At furs, I din belif my farder until I orso see your hensem face mad mad like that in the newspayper pigcher two gather with many many peeple wokking on the road all shauting dont one to teech us in Ingrish anymore. Why leh?

My farder say the polis shoot woter and orso tia gas at the cloud. I hope you were not hert and your health is in the well now.

I think cikgu shud continew teeching us in Ingrish becors if you chain to teech us in Bahasa same same like you teech us Akauns like that, we will surely cannot ketchup and fial Signs and Mads orso. My farder orways say learning Ingrish is gud for us. He say can find gud job if we no how to reed and rite Ingrish.

By the way, sorree that I cannot e-meow you erliyer becors my farder say sins my Ingrish so gud he recordman me to go werk as Subtitle-riter for Ah kowpek’s pilot DVD compenis due ring the skool brake. After one weak, my boss say got people say my sub-title very gud, pay for one movie but get two stories. I cleber or not?

After werking there for a hole month I urn a lot of money orledi. I few so happy now becors got money to sellerbread my birds day this Fryday with my frens orledi. Hope to see you back in skool when the holiday brake is over.

Ah Lian xoxo

Ah9pek & Ah9Soh TALKINGCOCK

2009-03-13T19:32:00.015+08:00

Ah9Soh: OMG! Lou koong! …I can see the fine lines on my face liao! Like dat, I look old and ugly oledi la!

Ah9Pek: Aiya!Where got old leh? At least your eyesight is damn perfect ma… can still see those fine lines! hehehe!

Ah9Soh: I need to get some moisturizers, night cream, Retinol A and….

Ah9Pek: No need la! Buy me more Carlsberg beer better maa!.. Geh-len-tee you’ll always look beautiful like that Long Cool Dane when I 'm drunk enough!

Ah9Soh: Where can? My breasts so small leh compared to that what- what long-kool dame!

Ah9Pek: Yalor hor, you're so flat...sometimes I cannot even see you orso when you turn sideways!

Ah9Soh: I’m wondering hor.. dunno whether good to go for breast enlargement or not leh? Whatchew think har, lou koong?

Ah9Pek: No need la lou-phor.. Why don’t you try rubbing TOILET PAPERS in-between your boobs?

Ah9Soh: Rubbing with TOILET PAPERS in between my boobs can make them bigger meh?

Ah9Pek: Well…it works on your bum, didn’t it?

Ah9Soh: Cheh!! Don’t try to be farneee .. you better go make a jug of coffee for our breakfast la…

Ah9Pek: Why it has to be me to make coffee and not you?

Ah9Soh: Because I just found out the Bible says so ma..

Ah9Pek: Are you sure?

Ah9Soh: YES! It says ‘HeBrews’, where got say SheBrews’ one leh?

Ah9Pek: Niamah! Like that orso can la..you!

Ah9Soh: Oh yes! I almost forgot.. We have to take a pair of your used dirty underwear to your lokter today!

Ah9Pek: Huh? Why need to take my used smelly underwear to my doctor?

Ah9Soh: You forgot oledi ar? The lokter said he needs your sperm sample, urine sample and your stool sample ..
your underwear all orso got maaa…!

Ah9Pek: No lou-phor, we must give the sperm sample in that bottle the doctor gave me la.

Ah9Soh: I know leh…lou koong, actually when you sleep oledi last night.. I tried with my right hand and then my left hand ..and even use my mouth..shake shake so long until my hands all tired still cannot come out leh!

Ah9Pek: You did what?

Ah9Soh: Aiya!! I tried to open that bottle the lokter gave you to wash lor…but the cap so tight cannot come out maa!

Ah9Pek: Sweat laa you!

Silly TV News ( jokes)

2009-03-08T22:54:00.011+08:00

Something very Unusually me!

2009-03-05T19:48:00.020+08:00

To my old ‘sei-tong’ buddies, Cwan and Tequila (that ‘Oink’cology surgeon friend in US)~I don’t know whether to ‘khay’ you people kau-kau or.... to apologize and thank you for reminding me to update here. Limpek was ‘song-song’ enjoying doing something very unusually me here and you have to come and f@rk my guilt for not updating! (For others, like Cornelius my new blogging friend, second option applies-sollee-ha, Paiseh, paiseh... for your disappointed visits here earlier.)

By the way, that ‘something very unusually me’ has nothing to do with, or sequent to my previous post. (Please don’t go overboard in thoughts.. okay?) What I am crapping here is about watching Chinese family-drama series that has never been my cup of tea all along. (As if limpek don't have enough of real-life dramas of my own to count on if I ever need to exercise my emotion faculty..huh?)

In fact, I used to tell Charlie and Jboy that if they ever catch dad sitting silently in front of a TV with a Chinese drama on, they should call the ambulance immediately or check my pulse! “It‘s definitely a bad sign, probably a stroke or…. I must be dead!” I would tell them.

Although I do sometimes watch costumed kungfu or comedy series, but family dramas? Nay! Never! ...... I mean ‘never’….errr.. at least not until I came across this Singapore TV series called ‘The Little Nyonya’, with a storyline weaving around three Baba-Nyonya familes in Malacca and Singapore, from pre-war era to the present.

-The Oois (Huangs) - the sipek f@rked-up rich family in Melaka where our 'Cinderella-Nyonya' unfortunately came from and suffered miserably.

-The Tans (Chens)-the better, not-so f@rked-up and very rich family in Singapore. The supplier of Prince Charmings one generation after another.

-The Teohs (Zhangs)- the very sipek jialat f@rked-up super rich family in Singapore you 'll toolan from the beginning to the end!

That’s how I started doing something very unusually me… watching Chinese family drama series! Got hooked right from the start because of its’ rich Malaysian Ching-chong customs and culture that many of us can either relate to or find it shocking.... especially the strict and rigid way of life of the olden days Chinese where a meaningless phrase which sounded something like ‘Tong Tong dunno what…bali-tong!’ was considered vulgar and coarse! (If only those ancestors could sample the varieties of ‘good’ phrases we have these days…I bet their tablets will surely rock & roll off the altars! kekeke!)

I’m sure guys today would rather cut their dicks off than to leave the choice of their lifetime partner in the hands of those old blur-sotong great grannies called ‘Chor-chors like they do in those days! (ishh!!-Those so blardy free and nothing to-do, whole day betel-nut leaves munching or Ceki-cards playing great grannies! )

…and for the 21st century girls today, I’m sure they would rather go for an air-stewardess job interview than be interviewed and tested for skills in cooking, embroidery and beading by those ‘lansi-lanyong’ rich matriarchs looking for a great-granddaughter in-law in those old days! (Niamah! Dunno whether they are looking for a bride or a factory worker cum servant hor?)

So guys, if you haven’t watch it yet and the Perak's 'Under a Raintree politics' are not entertaining enough for you, go watch this series – ( http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GErrCpysark ) or buy the DVDs from…you know where laaa hor?

YueNiang: Who says must do florals embroidery?.. I send a message to bodek Chor-Chor... cannot meh?

What Chor-Chor did'nt know, I know leh....

After all, YuehNiang is half Japanese ..right? So, it was AJI-NO-MOTO ichi-ban kaneh all the way la!!! Abo-den, why do you think her cooking tasted so differently well?

Like it or not, Chor-Chor's word 's always final! Your 'nya-nya'(mom) & 'Ma-mah'(grandma) orso have to kwai kwai obey la.

Weiiii! Chor-chor's waiting to spit out those chewed Betel-nut leaves liao..Don't 'meh-meh' get her the spitum-pot in time, she's gonna chew you instead!!

I love sleeping naked!

2009-02-23T15:04:00.018+08:00

'Because God created it, the human body can remain nude and uncovered and preserve its splendor and its beauty.' Pope John Paul II

I love sleeping naked. Oh yes, I do! I really love to sleep naked especially when it’s hot. Err…. I mean when the weather is hot and not when uncle is excitedly hot…ok?

Before you go “Eeeek! Uncleeeee! Why you so like that one?” please bear in mind that no matter what some cavemen ‘phor-liticans’ (including that ~~Botox~~ buttock-face hamkaling fella) say, there’s nothing wrong or immoral about being naked in privacy. I just don't see how going naked in the privacy of your own room can be disgusting, shameful or damaging to our culture. Should we be ashamed of what’s real about us, about our naked skins? I don’t know what those hamkalings have underneath their sheep’s clothing, what I have is just a ‘friendly weapon’...ahem! ahem!

If ‘godly’ but yet corrupted in mind and deeds ‘phor-liticans’ find their own naked skins unbearable, it’s probably all because nudity is a form of dress which you will call it obscene only when the accessories are not appealing! (ah hah! if you think nudists are people with no fashion sense, think again!) In the NUDE, only all that is not beautiful is obscene.(quick! let's go botox our buttocks as well! hahaha!)

In fact, sleeping naked has advantages. It allows your body to relax more immediately, and you are more likely to fall into a deeper sleep more quickly and wake up refreshed and looking better. (errr...this only applies to those sleeping alone. Others, to obtain same relaxing results, please make sure your sleeping partner is already asleep before you jump into bed in your birthday suit!)

If you are a ‘baru-kahwin’ eager to keep your wife busy for the next nine months, you will be happy to know that there is also evidence of improved fertility in men as a result of your uncovered ‘ding-dongs’ being in cooler conditions when you sleep naked. Besides, it also heightens the level of intimacy between you, and you are likely to 'dot- dot- dot' more often...

. ..and for those weight-watchers, sleeping naked may help to discourage your after bedtime fridge invasion habit. You will be too darned lazy to put on clothes again to get out to the kitchen unless you want to take the risk of being caught stark naked by other hungry family members or housemates who also habitually frequent the fridge at such odd hours. ( hmmm..maybe this was how 'the Little Nyonya' story all started... master bumping into maid in the kitchen at odd hours!)

Boxer shorts instead of sleeping naked? No, it’s not the same…Wearing any clothing including boxers could potentially cause discomfort while you sleep. The fabrics pressing against the skin and elastics causing tightness around the waist will more likely make you roll around to alleviate the discomfort, potentially causing restless sleep.

Wait a minute! Before you start tearing off your clothes to try out what 31% of men and 13% of women in America do... that is, sleeping naked, it’s best that you should know:

1. You need to keep a dress gown/sarung or a boxer near your bed for emergency use. Believe me, you don’t like to be a hotter stuff than the raging fire in case of a fire emergency.

2. Have a good blanket around to dive into in case it gets colder because being too cold causes your body to restrict your blood flow, and sleeping in these conditions too regularly will hinder your ability to self-repair and may ultimately speed up the aging process.

3. Make very sure your room door is properly locked before someone walks in on you naked and starts screaming, "OMG! I’ve never seen such a small………!”

Lastly but most importantly,

4. Sleeping naked anywhere other than your own house can be dangerous and embarrassing, a high risk of becoming a ‘Youtube Star' and be condemned by those ‘holier than thou, but dirtier than a sow’ cavemen phor-liticians as sinful, even though you are a victim of a prank or even a scandalous plot!

That’s all and I’m off to bed now..............
GOOD NIGHT!....................

'Ta-Siu-Yan'... Let the curse begins!

2009-02-13T04:51:00.014+08:00

The conversations between son,Charles and dad here these days are getting more and more ‘Chicken to Duck’ talk or more accurately, a ‘Hamster to Frog' talk situation! While dad is ranting on those cilaka YBs mutating into jumping Froggies, teenage son is forever disrupting dad with either his ‘See my hamsters so cute!' or 'See my hair color so nice!' opening statements to another 'hamster or hair' conversation.

Never have I ever come across so much condemnations, curses and hateful remarks in cyberspace being leveled on just one lady (if I may still address her as one) of this country. She has been labeled as a ‘Hon-Kan' traitor to the Chinese race, modern day female Judas and all sorts of extremely degrading nicks for her treacherous sins that shot her to overnight ~~fame~~ notoriety!

I also read about the angry reactions of the public, such as mock funeral being staged where pictures and paper effigies of her were stomped and burnt to curse death upon her. Her home and service center were pelted with stones and the owner of that rented service center is now reported to be evicting her. Her village folks are openly condemning her in public and accusing her of bringing shame to their village name while market folks are refusing to sell products to anyone related to her. All these, undoubtedly brought her down into history, as the most hated and cursed lady so far in this nation!

When Charles finally caught the drift on what I was ranting, he said,"Eee-yer!, She really 'chau char bor', I think in the olden days the Chinese people would have 'Ta' her 'Siu Yan'" apparently referring to the olden days ritual of 'beating the wicked enemy's soul' to curse her.

'Beating the wicked enemy's soul' or 'Ta Siu Yan' as the Cantonese call it, is a long lost and almost forgotten Chinese ritual practice of swearing and pounding the wooden clog loud and hard on the image of somebody you 'so toolan' and hope to jinx. It's quite similar to the practice of sticking needles into a voodo doll to curse someone.
(see how clever our Chinese forefathers were, to come out with such a healthy psychological way of releasing pent up ill feelings!)

Hmmm… Come to think of it, why not? Why not instead of rowdy street demonstrations or candlelight vigils, we have a Chinese culture rediscovery experience of a mass Ta Siu Yan ritual event organized? Such an event would not only help the HEE-haters to de-stress themselves but also be seen as a wonderful cultural tourist attraction as we rediscover this lost Chinese tradition. Besides, we can also get into the Guinness book of records for having the first ever mass Ta Siu Yan ritual, another Malaysia Boleh achievement to grab!

Wow! Just imagine how spectacular and fun the scene can be with hundreds of participants (like those shaolin temple scenes like dat..) squatting along the roadside or in an open space carpark, all simultaneously and rhythmically hammering their wooden clogs away while cursing....

“Ta lei-ke sei yan thou, ta lei-ke sei yan hau!(Hit your blardy head, hit your blardy mouth!)

Ta lei-ke sei yan keok, ta lei-ke sei yan sau!(hit your blardy legs, Hit your blardy hands!)

Tarng lei harng toe pin, hark toe pin... (so that wherever you go, bad luck follows)

Hoe-keh ngmm lei, chau-keh ngmm chow! (Good things never come, bad things never leave!)

How about that? Wanna join me 'Ta' that "SIU YAN' and whack this 'HONKan-frog' kau kau until she 'swei' for a million years? Anyone?

The HEE-Haw- HEE WHORE Silver State.

2009-02-10T15:18:00.014+08:00

What is happening in the silver state of Perak these days is so sickening that I do not want to go into the details to avoid tainting my blog here with dirt and filth…that smells of betrayal, corruption, shame and injustice!

It’s all about ‘MONEY TALKS, MORALS take a WALK’

..and if you are once again, catching NO ball to what I’m 9pek9bo-ing about…PLEASE DON”T TRY! (for this post ONLY)

DON’T kaypo2 and gau2 like-dat go read about it because when you find out whattafark is making IPOH MALI to become IPOH MALU:

1. You’ll start planning to immigrate and we will be losing another human in this jungle!

2. You may Hee-haw like a donkey, when you find out what this Lady HEE- whore has done! That lame LAME... what's her NAME that brought so much SHAME? PTUI!

3. The shocking exposure may be too worrying AND HAZARDOUS for you to swallow. Your HEALTH may go DOWN faster than the ECONOMY and by the time the economy is UP, so will be your tombstone!

4. You may want to immediately stop wasting your valuable time in college …fark those books and assignments and just go and become a clerk or postman, knowing that you can still earn millions and also get free Camry cars to drive in the end!

5. You’ll find that the ‘IN’ color is BLACK. ..Yellow, Orange, Red or any other color is NO NO!... especially if it is ‘DARK’ toned!

6. You’ll learn that facing corruption charges is NO BIG DEAL… there is still a great DEMAND for CORRUPTED people out there .and they are paying GOOD MONEY to have them!

7. You‘ll learn that WHEN FROGS TURN INTO PRINCES, the story ‘ll have a GOOD ENDING but WHEN your ADUNs TURN INTO FROGS, it’s as GOOD AS ENDING!

8. You‘ll learn that HIJACKING is no longer a job specialty restricted to SEA-PIRATES ONLY! They have OUTSOURCED it to politicians nowadays!

9. You‘ll learn that to some people, ANGKAT SUMPAH (taking oath) and ANGKAT SAMPAH (taking trash) means the same thing!

10. and finally, You’ll be HAPPY to know that the MB of Perak, Datuk Seri Nizar is truly one popular, respected and very much loved MB by all races, NOT only in Perak, but throughout Malaysia!

SCARY LEH? ABO-DEN you think why I didn’t blog for a week? LOLs!

2009 Year Of The OX FROG!

2009-02-02T15:19:00.017+08:00

As I have suspected, those ancient Chinese astrologers really did f@rked up when they charted the Chinese Zodiac. The year 2009 is supposed to be the year of the OX according to their charts, but what’s happening these days in AnyThingCanLand tells me it should be more accurately, the year of the FROG!(got no frog in the zodiac one meh?)

"Niamah ChoeChoong-Sap-pat toi!(your mum's 18 generations of ancestors!)".....
Before we could finish wishing each other 'GONGXI FA CAI', some people are already turning into 'Gong-Sifatt chyes' (stupid little assholes) to start the 'Leapfrogging Game' in the state of Perak, hoping to bring down the present 'people's choice' Pakatan state government there!

The events there are making limpek more and more blur-sotong each day because those Gong-Sifatt chyes who were reported missing 'a la Bala' and initially rumored to be hopping like frogs are now denying both their missing status as well as their alleged hopping. Are they telling the truths or are these frogs turning into chickens?